The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. 00:04 Oh, it's a good one for you this time. In these clips, there was silly news about the Olympics that was about to begin in Japan. There was a national anthem revelation and we talked about cinema etiquette. 00:18 Yes, hello. I've been waiting for you. Hello. 00:21 I've been waiting for a caller in Shropshire called Martin. Martin. 00:25 Nick, I have been waiting, actually. 00:27 You've been waiting? Mm-hmm. 00:30 Well, I've got a few things to say to you now, so I hope you let me finish. Firstly, if the moon is wobbling in the 2000s, it wobbles every 18 years. If it wobbles in the 2000s, did it wobble? 00:42 I didn't feel it wobbling in 2000. 00:43 I didn't feel it either. No, I felt no wobble. 00:46 No, absolutely not. Secondly... 00:49 If the animal I'm eating is vegetarian, then therefore me eating it isn't bad. Secondly... Thirdly. If... Secondly, I saw... 01:02 This is your third point. 01:04 There was the wobble, and then there's a... If you eat an animal that's a vegetarian, that makes you a vegetarian, yes. So third point... 01:10 I stand corrected. Apologies. 01:13 If... I... If chemtrails are not made of their poison... Chemtrails are not poisonous haze. They are the air evaporate. They're condensing above the wing. Fourthly, we've just had a... 01:27 This is your fifth point now. 01:31 I stand corrected. Fifth point. If we've just eaten some... I've just had a dinner party. Everyone else has gone to bed now, but I've stayed up to speak to you. Right. 01:41 Ain't I lucky? 01:43 You are. Nick, let me finish, Nick. We've had some delicious steaks and we enjoyed them very much. And therefore, if our enjoyment is tangible and meaningful, then therefore... It isn't. 02:00 Nick, it was delicious. 02:02 Well, that's neither here nor there. 02:05 But he does sound completely refreshed. Booze. A little bit, yeah. OK, glad to hear about your excellent evening, Martin. Thanks a lot, mate. I'm at work, but don't worry about me. 02:15 Lewis says, Johnson was asked a question at PMQs on Wednesday about Tyrone Mings criticising Priti Patel's hypocrisy regarding racism. Within two sentences of his reply, he was talking about the vaccine. It's pathetic. 02:30 They all do that. 02:32 It's infuriating. They've all been told to do that. 02:36 It doesn't matter what the question is. Just keep banging on about the vaccine. What the people want to know about is not what you just asked me. It's about something else entirely that I learned off by heart before I came onto your show. 02:49 Same at PMQs. 02:51 Just spout on about the blooming vaccine or some other imagined great success. 03:00 And they run down the clock, at which point they get off scot-free. Again. 03:08 Painful. 03:10 Gary tweets, Nick, creating a time machine is rather easy. It requires nuclear fusion and what you call dark matter with a magnetic field. What do you mean? It's what I call. 03:23 I don't call it any such thing. 03:27 It requires nuclear fusion and what you call dark matter with a magnetic field. The magnetic field controls the acceleration forwards, deacceleration backwards in time, just so you know, says Gary. 03:42 Is that clear? No. Not really? No. 03:47 Let's have, weirdly, the third call from Chertsey this evening. Sandra. 03:55 Hello, Nick. I thought this could be the night when all three residents of Chertsey phone him. Yeah. 04:05 Yeah, I thought I could throw some light on the slaughterhouse story. I heard Ian Payne The last thing he was referring to wasn't very pleasant. He was talking when the farmer invited him to a slaughterhouse, which he didn't really want to, but he sort of said it could be useful for a radio show. 04:24 If anybody invites you to a slaughterhouse, I'd be very concerned because I think I've seen that film. 04:32 Oh. 04:33 Well. 04:35 Anyway, he told, yeah, he told, and I won't go into it because it was too upsetting, a sad story about a little lamb that escaped. 04:42 Oh, poor little lamb. 04:45 Yeah, it was pretty horrific. It rather put me off, much as I like it. 04:50 Put you off your dinner, yeah. 04:51 Put me off in, in this story. And then he went on to the poor cows. Oh, poor cows. 04:59 Some poor chap phoned in to recite some poetry and even vetoed the pretty woman. Poetry? And he ended up with a red, red robin bobbing along. And I thought, you know, I would have been less upset by the pretty woman one than I would by the slaughterhouse story. 05:19 I have no idea what you're talking about now, Sona. 05:22 Oh, well, I thought that was quite clear. He was talking... Oh, you're having me on, aren't you? 05:28 No, I'm not having you on. Something about robins bobbing along and a poor little lamb. Something like that. I've got no idea what you're on about now. Poetry? Poetry? Poetry? Boring! Nobody wants to hear your poetry. Not mine. 05:43 There was a young man from Australia. Can I say that one? Apparently not. 05:50 You know how that one goes, don't you, Sandra? 05:52 Awful. Disgusting. Terrible. Anyway, thanks a lot, Sandra, for whatever that was. 05:57 Chertsey. I don't want to hear another word from anybody from Chertsey. 06:10 I kid, of course. 06:13 Jenny emails, hi Nick, I wish I had the common sense to vote against my own interest by voting Conservative. 06:20 Right. 06:23 Don emails, the vaccine rollout has gone so well that now 47% of people in hospital with Covid were vaccinated. Yes, the vaccine rollout that we can only put down to our fine doctors, nurses and pharmacists has been overtaken. Hi Boris, hi Boris is bumbling herd immunity plan. 06:47 Maybe his? 06:49 I'll try it that way. Yes, the vaccine rollout that we can only put down to our fine doctors, nurses and pharmacists has been overtaken. 06:58 His... That doesn't make any sense either. 07:04 Hi, Boris is bumbling herd immunity. That makes no sense. Please, people, read your missive before pressing send. 07:13 He says, I had my second jab a month ago, but caught COVID last week after eating in a restaurant, following Boris's rules to the letter. 07:23 Probably not a good idea to follow Boris's rules to the letter. 07:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. 07:28 I mean, he doesn't. 07:33 Let's have a call in Spaldenmore, if indeed there is such a place. David. 07:40 Ah, from Jersey. 07:45 Where's Spalden Moor? 07:48 We've had this discussion before. It's between Hull and York. 07:51 No, I wouldn't think so. 07:53 Ah, I definitely think so. Anyway, do you know what time on Monday that the pandemic's going to end? Eight, ten and zero seconds. 08:02 That sounds perfect. Anyway, I think it's absolutely ridiculous. 140,000 fans at Silverstone. 08:11 Really? 08:13 Unbelievable. I think it's ridiculous that anybody could call themselves a fan of Formula One. I mean, if you go there, all you see is the cars go by. You don't get a sense of the race, do you? 08:25 Nick, you don't see anything. All you hear is vroom, and that's it. Yeah, painful. Anyway. Why anybody would subject themselves to that mystery? 08:33 Here's my next one. So, you were just talking about cars and phone you on, spin the past, and all the rest of it, but have you ever felt the tension? driving on to the A1 in such a short slip road that by the time you've actually got on to the A1, there's already a lorry right up your backside. 08:53 Right, because you're doing 20 miles an hour and everybody else is doing 70 miles an hour and you haven't had time to speed up. 09:00 Well, it's supposed to be doing 70. Yeah. Lories maybe, yeah. 100, yeah. 09:04 120, something like that, yeah. There we go. Always obey the highway code. Beep. 09:11 Who always has right of way, David? 09:16 Me, of course. 09:20 Me. 09:22 No, close. 09:23 You fail this test. 09:27 I want you to lock your car doors and walk away. 09:32 Never to use it again. 09:35 Thanks a lot, Dave. 0345 6060 973. 09:40 Mike texts free range means they aren't in prison cells, but can be fed rubbish. 09:47 Organic is to do with their diet. 09:51 Right. But I think my impression was that organic has all sorts of connotations. 09:59 That if it's organic eggs, then their lifestyle... Can chickens have a lifestyle? I guess so. 10:11 Their lifestyle is more enjoyable for what brief period they actually get to stay alive, you know, before we slice them into bits and fry them into nuggets... 10:26 I think that they enjoy life a bit more. They have a little bit more space, probably not as much as you would imagine, but a bit more than they would otherwise, which is why I buy organic. I mean, it's no... Honestly, you can afford to buy organic eggs. You just can. They're at most 10p more. 10:45 I mean, how many eggs are you going to eat a day? One, right? Can you afford 10 pence? No. Oh, well, forget it then. 10:53 That's why I buy organic. We should all buy better and less. I mean, we could all do to drop a few pounds, couldn't we? 11:02 Just buy better and less. That's all. Now, we know that that's true. We know how to both do well by ourselves. Oh, my God. Look at all these texts and emails. There's just loads. I've got a... Can you add an extra hour onto this? Because I'm going to need it to get through all this lot. 11:22 See, I can't read the text in the emails because these people, they keep calling me. 11:26 How do they get my number? 11:28 Ian texts, go glad for see all the British eggs in the supermarket. 11:37 What? 11:38 He says, I was so tired of German and French eggs. 11:46 Andy said, what's that mean? 11:48 Andy said, I've never seen a German and a French egg in my life. 11:52 even in Germany or France. 11:54 Andy says, Hi, Nick. Are you saying that free-range organic chickens have town and country residences? If so, I would love to eat one. 12:04 Eat the rich. Get Motorhead on the phone. They'll sing it to us. 12:07 Rock and roll! 12:09 Oscar Shamner in Sweden. Robert. 12:15 Yeah. Hi there, Nick. Robert. 12:20 Yeah, hello. 12:22 Yes, Robert. 12:22 Yeah, we... Yeah. 12:25 Hello. 12:25 Yeah, hello. Hello. 12:27 Yes. 12:28 Hello. 12:29 When we were talking... Hello. When we were talking... When you were talking about the Olympics, it was boring sports, which I agree. Yeah. 12:44 There shouldn't be any team sports in the Olympics. Yeah. 12:48 No, and then I can tell you, in 1912, the Summer Olympics were held in Stockholm, on Stockholm Stadium, and one of the sports was art. Art? Art? A-R-T, art? Yeah, art. What kind of art? The withstanding art. 13:17 They were standing on the football field and painting. 13:26 And then Yelches came and said, yeah, five points for that and seven points for that or something. And there was a winner and he got the gold medal and silver medal and bronze, you know, so. So, yeah. 13:42 Okay, here's that story. Art competitions were held as part of the 1912 Summer Olympics in Stockholm in Sweden. It was the first time that art competitions were part of the Olympic programme. Medals were awarded in five categories. Architecture, literature, music, painting and sculpture for works inspired by sport-related themes. Well, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard in my life. 14:04 Yeah, me too. 14:08 You Swedish people are nuts! 14:11 Yeah, we are that. We are that. And I have another thing, if you want. This can be some educational, but you know your show is educational. 14:26 It's very educational, yes. 14:29 And when you pronounce Greta Thunberg, you say Thunberg, and that's logic in English, because it's T-H-U-N, but it's Thunberg, so if you think of cartoon or tune, like tune song, yeah, tune. 14:53 So it's Greta Thunberg, Greta Thunberg, is that what you're saying? 14:59 No, Greta Thunberg. 15:01 Greta Thunberg. 15:05 You pronounce it? 15:09 Greta Thunberg. 15:10 That just sounds like a noise. It sounds like you've got gas. Greta Thunberg, I think you'll find that is correct, Robert. You want to learn that by rote. Greta Thunberg. Say it after me. 15:24 Greta Thunberg. 15:26 There you go. 15:28 See, I'm teaching people Swedish who live in Sweden. 15:33 That's the power of this programme. 15:36 You're a miracle. Yes, that's right. 15:42 Delivered personally by God. All right, thanks a lot, Robert. 0345 6060 973. I am stunned. They did art as a sport in the Olympics in Sweden. 15:58 I had no idea that Swedish people were so kooky. 16:02 Medals were awarded to these artists but art competitions are no longer regarded as official Olympic events by the International Olympic Committee. 16:11 I wouldn't think so. That's just daft. 16:17 Huh. 16:19 Well, I mean, you know, they've got some silly things at the Olympics now, but not anything quite that silly. At least it's more or less sports. 16:30 Mostly. 16:33 But it should all be about fighting. Am I right? Yes, I am. 16:39 Tooting. 16:39 Hello, Jan. Oh, hi, Nick. Hi, good evening. Jan, how are you? 16:43 Great, mate. 16:45 Yeah, I thought I must share this with you because I'm surprised. But while I'm waiting to speak to you, I'm thinking maybe it's not, I shouldn't be so surprised about this, about the national anthem. 16:58 I know you have your sound thing on it. I don't know how you have it. 17:02 But the melody of the national anthem, I found out has been used as the melody of it has been used Hello. Oh, no, no. Ignore that. 17:13 I think that's my alarm on my mobile. Your alarm on your mobile? 17:17 Yeah, I haven't had the chance. I was connected and I couldn't even have a chance to switch it off. 17:21 Well, what's the alarm telling you? 17:25 To switch off my immersion heater, which I've already done, but I forgot to do the alarm. Nick? Yes. Is it irritating to hear it? No, it'll go off soon. It'll go off soon. This is about the national anthem. Yeah. 17:38 Yeah. 17:39 Our national anthem was used by the Tsars in Russia as an imperial prayer for the Russians. 17:47 Really? 17:48 In 1860 to 1880. 17:49 Wait, we are using a second-hand tune? 17:54 No, it's an old tune. They think it's someone who wrote it in the 16th century or something. 17:59 We're using a used tune? 18:01 It's a melody, but they're not quite sure who wrote it. You know, one of those things like... 18:08 But it could be a British composer who wrote it in the 16th century, but... 18:13 I wouldn't think so. But we stuck the words on it, which is all about the king or queen of the day. It's got nothing to do with this country at all. It's all about one person. Give on to this person all of your best stuff, it says. 18:27 But it's also Germany as well. Germany used it in their empire... 18:32 for 1871 to 1918. The melody, I mean, just the melody. I've yet to explore what the words are to the Russian prayer, which I'm interested in, imperial prayer. And Americans use the same melody in a patriotic song. 18:49 Oh, my God. This is like third hand, this tune already. Can't we have something that's totally our own? 18:57 It seems to crop up everywhere. 19:00 Like something medieval that seems to be anonymous. 19:03 It's common. Is that what you're saying? A little bit. 19:06 Well, no, I mean, with the Commonwealth countries. 19:08 Frayed at the edges. 19:11 Well, you wouldn't be surprised about it, would you? Well, it's been used by Commonwealth countries and the Empire. Colonies of the Empire. But not these countries like Russia and Germany. But there again, Queen Victoria was in the end related to... Well, I don't know the answer. 19:30 If you go back far enough, then everybody's got raw blood in them. 19:36 But still, the countries had nothing to do with England, did they? 19:40 This song is a fixer-upper. Could do with improvement. Painful. 19:48 Oh, God, it's so gory. 19:58 We have the worst national anthem of any country on earth. 20:02 The what? 20:08 The one that the Tsars used in Russia. 20:10 Oh, yeah, well, funny you should mention that, but I have the Russian Tsars tune right here. 20:17 Here it is. 20:20 Always happy. H-A-P-P-Y. That's what defined them, the Russian Tsars. 20:25 Suffused happiness. 20:27 The same melody. Oh, God, are you still going on? Hey. No, seriously, I can't believe it. It's almost unbelievable. Hey, Jan. Hey. 20:37 Turn your immersion heater off. Don't forget that. 20:42 Isn't this an educational programme? No. 0345 6060 973. A little bit excitable there, Jan. Calm down, dear. It might never have... Oh, no, that's right. It already has. 20:53 Let's have a call in Notting Hill. Sharif. 20:57 Hello. Sharif. How are you doing? Good, thanks. Can I ask you a question? 21:02 Yes. What was the storm like this week? 21:06 Well, I'll tell you what. We had a river running past. 21:09 It was apocalyptic, really. You know, it's quite interesting. But our drains are particularly... They're all Victorian and very old. That's why. 21:18 Yeah. Well, people are saying that it's because posh Notting Hill types are digging these mega basements, so the water's got nowhere to go. 21:28 That's what they're doing. They're doing that. It's disgusting. 21:31 Well, that seems a bit harsh. Disgusting? 21:36 Well, listen, Nick, because I know you're running out of time here, I would say this to you just so you know, because my wife has been self-isolating because a member of her school has had COVID, right? And she's been isolating for 10 days and she's been working from home teaching, although the Daily Telegraph reckons that she's being lazy. 21:58 What, her personally? 21:59 Yeah. 22:00 Well, no, just every teacher, because apparently, because they didn't want to work during the summer, apparently, because they wanted a rest, even though MPs are all going off on their holidays and turning off their phones. Exactly. 22:15 You know, but what I would say to you is, I was sitting here about 12 o'clock this afternoon, and my phone went ping, and apparently I was sitting next to somebody who was COVID positive, right? 22:29 And... I looked at it, and it said I've got 12 hours to isolate. 22:35 And when I looked on my phone, the contact I had with the person was on the 6th. 22:41 Right? 22:42 So I only found out... What? The 6th? 22:46 Yeah. It's the 16th. Oh, no, it's the 17th now. 22:49 Yeah, that's how long it took them to tell me. 22:51 They told me today. Oh, my God. 22:52 So I was wandering around all over the place. Could you imagine, potentially? I've been trying to do my best. Spreading disease. I know. And this is the point. I've been doing my best because I'm socially distancing, wearing a mask, doing all this stuff. And the idea that now I've just been told that I've got 12 hours and then I'm going to be out of isolation, and they've just suddenly told me now... 23:15 I mean, what was the £250 billion? 23:21 What was it for? I'm not sure they spent quite that amount of money, although, you know, I wouldn't be remotely surprised. Once you get past the first billion, then it's all just funny money, ain't it? 23:32 I know. 23:34 It just amazes me, because I just got this ping, and it was like... My wife was self-isolating for 10 days, and I got a ping today, and it just said, your isolation will be over... In 12 hours. And now I've just reached it now. I've just got a ping saying... Congratulations. Yes, more or less. 23:52 Are you absolutely sure? So you got the end pings. 23:58 Yeah. No, I looked it up. But not the beginning ping. 24:03 Nick, I looked it up. I looked it up. And the identification where I had the contact with somebody was at the 6th. 24:12 I had no idea about it. The only time they contacted me was the day, and it was the day before I'm supposed to come out of self-isolation. So I could well be spreading stuff all over the bloody place. And I've been trying my best not to, wearing a mask, self-isolating. 24:29 And this is the Dido Harding surco scenario. 24:33 She is fantastic, isn't she? Yeah, she's great. By fantastic, I mean, you know, like science fiction. 24:39 Yeah, science fiction, indeed. 24:41 But just, what good is it, what good is it to me to find out one hour before, you know, it's unbelievable. 24:50 As Edwin Starr sang, ping. 24:54 What's it good for? Absolutely nothing. Well, that's how it seems. Say it again. All right. 25:01 Well, we appreciate your cooperation, Sheriff, even though you didn't give us any. 25:06 Yeah. 25:08 Thanks a lot, mate. 0345 6060 973. That whole contact tracing thing's going excellently well, Bodger. Contract tasting, testing, tracing. Forgive me. Contract tracing. Oh, give it up, mate. You're never going to get it. 25:25 Embarrassing. 25:27 He's the Prime Minister of this country. Can you believe that? No. Dave tweets, I can't believe people still cling to the belief that we have an opposition. 25:36 A plan? 25:51 Yeah, I'm not sure they have a strategy any more than Donald Trump did. 25:55 There's no strategy. I have no strategy. There's zero strategy. 25:58 Chris texts, I wonder, will someone from the press or media ask the Department of Education what they are actually doing to improve ventilation in schools, especially senior opening windows in winter isn't practical. The need to ventilate classroom toilets, changing room, etc. All winter will be awful. 26:15 Mm-hmm. 26:18 Not a punctuation mark in it. Chris, can I offer you a comma? No. 26:26 Yeah, what are they doing to improve ventilation in schools? Well, nothing. 26:32 Is that about right? 26:34 Nothing, I wouldn't think. I mean, what are they going to do? Spend billions of pounds on ventilation in schools? Of course not. 26:44 Where's the fun in that? 26:49 they'll open windows but uh yeah you're right i mean in uh in winter not not practical don't sit in a draft kids amy texts sorry nick i have temporarily muted you as you discuss abattoirs and processed meat factories i just can't stomach it says amy who won't be hearing this because of course she doesn't know when to unmute me because she doesn't know when I've stopped talking about abattoirs and processed meat factories. But I didn't talk about it. Somebody else talked about it. 27:21 I'm a good boy, I am. 27:25 James says, come to the game fair next week and learn about food, where it comes from. 27:31 The game fair. Well, two things. A, what's the game fair? And B, no, I won't. 27:39 In that order. 27:41 Mel texts, there is an etiquette to munching movie food. Ah, well, the etiquette should be that you don't munch movie food. You just sit there for two blooming hours. It's only going to be two hours for crying out loud. Are you starving to death? Can you not live off the reserves of your fat? 28:00 I mean, just skip a meal once in a while. 28:05 There is an etiquette to munching movie food. If there is a quiet part in the film, you don't eat or dip into any box or rustling bag for a start. Feel free to crunch away in loud, exciting parts of the film and don't dare eat during elongated, thought-provoking dramas. Oh, elongated, thought-provoking dramas. 28:24 Boring! 28:27 The trick is... Well, you mean where people talk about their feelings? Oh, no! Ugh! 28:35 He says, the trick is to go to a film when it's in the last few days of its run. And on those occasions, I've been one of the only people in there. Now, I would only ever go to the cinema in the afternoon. About two o'clock is perfect. 28:47 And you can pretty much guarantee that you will be the only one there. 28:52 And if you're not, then at least you can move to, you know, vast acres of empty seats. You're not stuck sat where you are. 29:01 John emails... 29:03 Climate change, global warming, wobbly moon. Did Gavin the Education Czar Williamson come up with this blame fact? 29:13 Nonsense. Ask the sprawling smug. He knows everything. 29:18 You just want me to play this, don't you? 29:21 And I'm not going to do it. 29:23 Michael texts, when I look at the moon through binoculars, it does seem to wobble. LAUGHTER When I look at the moon through binoculars, it does seem to wobble. No, Michael, I expect that's you. Booze. 29:39 Mac tweets. 29:41 As far as I'm concerned, a breakfast sausage is just another sausage. You could eat it at any time. No, that would be against the law. 29:51 It says on the packet breakfast sausage. 29:56 That's not a description. That's an instruction. 30:01 Jim says, how can they tell whether we are looking at a wobbly moon or whether we're looking at a still moon from a wobbly Earth? Well, that's a good point, Jim. 30:09 NASA need to splain themselves. 30:12 I don't believe they have any idea what they're talking about. 30:16 Gary tweets, Nick, I've met with Richard Branson in a photo shoot a good while back. I had to laugh seeing him in a Star Trek style jumpsuit. But yes, I do welcome cheap space travel for all if we can achieve it. Cheap spelt C-H-E-E-P. As in chirpy chirpy. 30:39 Kyrie. Kyrie. Kyrie. Kyrie. 30:44 By Mr. Mr. 30:46 So great they named them twice. 30:49 Kirii says, with reference to Richard Branson and his trip to outer space and him saying, remember where you were when I went into space, I'm always going to remember where I was. I was watching England beat Italy. 31:02 No, I was watching England bean beat by Italy in the Euro 2020. Bean beat. 31:11 I think the education standards in this country have taken a nosedive over the last couple of years. 31:18 Who's responsible for that? 31:20 I... Yeah, exactly. 31:23 Thanks a lot, Gavin Williamson. You see what you've done? These people are idiots. 31:28 And I say that with great love and affection. 31:31 Britain is set to enjoy even hotter weather tomorrow. I don't normally do the weather two days in a row, but it's not normally this nice two days in a row. 31:40 Britain is set to enjoy even hotter weather tomorrow after the warmest day of the year so far as temperatures hit 88 degrees Fahrenheit, making parts of the UK warmer than the Caribbean. 31:50 Wherever that is. 31:53 Or as the gloomsters would say, Britain is set to suffer even hotter weather tomorrow after the warmest day of the year so far as temperatures hit 88 degrees Fahrenheit, making parts of the UK warmer than the Caribbean. Oh, no. Yeah, small change, big difference. 32:09 Northern Ireland, saw its highest temperature on record as in ever today at Ballywatticoke. 32:18 Pfft, rubbish. 32:20 There's no such place. 32:21 They're making it up. It got to 88.2 degrees Fahrenheit, beating the previous high in June 1976. Wow, great year. 32:33 And I actually looked it up. I did homework. Can you believe that? No. Do you know what was number one in June 1976, that tremendously exciting year of music? 32:44 Combine Harvester by The Wurzels. Rock and roll! Silly Love Songs by Wings was number two. One of those songs that must have taken Paul McCartney about ten seconds to dash off. Another £100 million in the bank. 32:57 And number three, No Charge by J.J. Barrie. Remember that? 33:04 Some kid goes up to his mom and says, he handed her a piece of paper that he'd been writing on. 33:11 And after wiping her hands on her apron, she read it. And this is what it said. For mowing the lawn, five dollars. 33:19 For making my own bed this week, one dollar. 33:24 For going to the store, fifty cents. 33:28 playing with my little brother when you went shopping. 25 cents, which seems perfectly reasonable to me. I mean, it's capitalism at its rawest. It's as American as shooting apple pie with an assault rifle. 33:44 And his mum had the nerve to come back with this heartless guilt trip. 33:48 She said, for the nine months I carried you growing inside me, no charge. 33:53 For the nights I've sat up with you, doctored you and prayed for you, no charge. 33:59 For the time and the tears that you've cost me through the years, there's no charge. And when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is no charge. 34:08 Well, that's because it's not worth anything. 34:11 It's your natural mothering instincts. You can't charge for that, you dreadful woman. 34:18 I'm calling social services. There's an incident in 1976 they need to investigate. 34:23 Anyway, today was the hottest day of the year in the UK. It could be even hotter tomorrow with the Met Office warning of 91 degrees Fahrenheit. Warning, warning. And you double it and add 32 to get centigrade. 34:35 European surrender centigrade. 34:38 Double 91 is 192. And 192 plus 32 is 234. Wow. It's going to be 234 degrees centigrade tomorrow. Can you believe that? No. No. 34:51 The sunshine is due to last until... Are you ready? 34:56 It's going to last until Freedom Day on Monday, when thunderstorms arrive. 35:03 Meteorologist Tom, out of the Met Office, said we've got quite an extended hot spell of weather to come through the next several days, lasting much of this week. 35:12 It's going to mean that people are really going to feel the effects of the heat as we go through this week. You're going to feel sticky. 35:21 Warnings about the extreme heat have been issued by doomsters who don't understand that it's Freedom Day and we can do what we want. Our dear leader said so. I could do what I want. It's my right. 35:36 Meanwhile, Sajid Javid is ill. Isn't that awful? 35:43 Sajid Javid held a lengthy meeting with Boris Johnson, Bodger, in Downing Street, just hours before Sajman, the Saj. His Sajness, the Health Secretary, tested positive for Covid amid warnings that half the Cabinet will be in isolation by the end of the week. I'll bet they won't. 36:00 The 51-year-old... 51 years old... 36:03 The 51-year-old health secretary, his imperial saginus, revealed his diagnosis today after feeling groggy on Friday evening, tweeting that he was suffering mild symptoms and had been double vaccinated. 36:18 Test and trace rules mean that anyone who has come into close contact with Mr Powerstance could now be forced into a 10-day self-isolation. And that means Bodger. 36:29 As it was claimed that Bodger Johnson held a lengthy meeting with Super Sag in Downing Street just hours before his symptoms developed. 36:37 And Bodge met people who met people and the whole lot of them could be cooped up for the start of recess just before they all intended to go on holiday, eh? So sad. 36:48 You know what? I bet they go on holiday anyway. 36:51 They'll be isolating in some red list resort at someone else's expense with some hot research assistant that we are paying for. 37:01 Which makes us their pimps. 37:04 I feel dirty just thinking about it. Disgusting. I don't see how half the cabinet doesn't end up in isolation by the end of the week, one government source told the Telegraph. 37:14 Well, I see how they're not going to end up in isolation by the end of the week. They just won't do it. 37:20 Problem solved. 37:22 I mean, would anybody doubt that? 37:25 I mean, Bodger isn't going to fire himself, is he? 37:28 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. 37:30 How could we do without him? He has to stay on for the good of the country. Hey, Bodge. Let's wipe up some texts and tweets and emails and such from last night because there's so very many of them. Oh, my God. I'm never going to get through them. 37:44 And they're already coming in from today. I can't keep up, people. Slow down. 37:51 pages this is like work and that's it don't forget the other podcasts that i do there's the one that i do with carol mcgiffen which is called what's your problem with nick and carol there is the whole show podcast exclusive to global player and the new lbc app and now the whole show plus for extra show material that I could not squeeze in the Friday and Saturday night shows, and an exclusive newsletter weekly update. Sign up at nickabbottthewholeshowplus.com. 38:22 And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 38:28 This has been a Global Production.